it’s hard for me to be sidelined … and yet there i sat.  grounded.

for 3 excruciating weeks (well, almost 3 weeks) - i put my mat away, surrendered to a cruel bout of tendinitis. 

but yesterday, i returned to my addiction.

and just as i had feared,  within the few short weeks of my pain-induced sabbatical, my practice had changed.  significantly, actually.

by the time my practice was finished, emotions swelled and tears came out of nowhere.  yet not the tears of disappointment for nary a clean jump back.  nor the tears of frustration for a kapo ripe with struggle.

actually, these were not sad tears at all. 

rather, what gave rise within me was such extreme gratitude to move my body and sync my breath once again.  it just felt so fucken good to be home.

i forgot about how perfect i could make my triangle ... i forgot to be annoyed by an over-crowded room ... i forgot to berate myself for falling out of my extended leg stretch ... and i even forgot to count the number of tap-free jump backs i could accomplish in my seated series. 

my mind got lost in a series my body now knows by heart.  and with nothing to achieve or accomplish or compare – i was freed to experience my yoga in a way i’m not sure i ever have before.

just as it is.  for what it is.  not for what i could see, therefore judge – but more importantly, what i couldn’t.

my teacher for the day, david swenson said the asanas are merely toys that keep us coming back to our mat.  in ashtanga particularly, where we are awarded a new one once we play nicely with the last one given.  but one day, these toys are no longer adequate motivation. 

when the day comes that we question our practice … ask why it is we come to this place day after day.   this is the exact day we really begin our true yoga practice, when we finally discover a deeper reason, or even no reason at all.

i did not come for a toy, yesterday.  not even to play.  and although david is and was undeniably full of wisdom, compassion, and refreshingly good humor - i didn't even come for him.

i had no reason at all for coming.  because for the first time, i didn't need one.

don't get me wrong, i still like the toys ... just not nearly as much as i had before.