Just so we’re clear, I’m not one of “them.”   You know … the criers.

That is, not on my mat.  Or in public, really.  No need to.  I take pride in keeping steady and strong in my practice and in life.  Provided no curve balls, I stay well within my comfort and control.

But this weekend almost changed that … almost.  A curve ball, wouldn’t you know.

And for the first time, I nearly lost my shit on my mat.  Thanks to Tim Feldman and back bends.

Can’t really blame him.  Every teacher I have loves to bend me backwards.  They ask, “Do you want to grab your ankles?” and I have to seriously wonder, does anyone ever actually say yes?  I’m usually pretty polite about it.  No thanks.  Not today ever.  Appreciate your interest (now go away).

Only Tim didn’t ask.  And before I knew it, he had me there.  As soon as I felt my heel, my heart started to pound, my mind raced, and I stopped breathing.  And then he started counting.

One.  Two …

That’s when I first felt it.  It was an awful stuckness and I thought in that moment, I am going to die.  I really started to panic when something strange began to rise up from my chest.  It sounded like a hiccup – but I knew what it really was …

Shit!  I’m going to cry!

Three …

Yeah.  I didn’t actually make it to three.  Because on three, I would’ve joined the waterworks club.  Hiccups to sobs, it was a very close call.  Instead, I came out.  Or up, I should say.

Bad lady.

Whew.  That was a close one.  As I went into my finishing series, my mind wandered back.  Why was I so afraid?  I did a little body scan and nothing hurt.  In fact, I can’t really remember anything hurting in the pose – unless you count the impending death I felt sure coming, as an ailment.  The truth is/was … it wasn’t physical.

I spoke with Tim about this after class.  He explained we have 5 bodies:  the physical, the emotional, the mental, the energetic, and the spiritual.  He suspected that the stuckness I felt was not coming from the physical body, but from one of the others.  Something, not physical, was – and still is – holding me back.

But before you whip out a therapist referral, that’s what’s so beautiful about this yoga practice:

When you work on the physical body, you are also working on the others as well.  The shifts and changes we make in one, has a ripple effect into the others.  Effect change in one place – effect change in all places.

Hence, I imagine my time is coming.  The club I’ve been hell bent on avoiding may be forced to welcome me one day, afterall.  And so, should you ever find me with big sweaty tears spilling onto my mat … save your pity and congratulate me instead.

Because the opening of the floodgates could be just the opening I need.

picture thanks to tova steiner, ashtanga mysore - arlington, VA

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